A Mom's Dictionary Ad_Funnies Life's_Lessons Little_Ones
ADULTS: Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several hours of talking in small words about topics like, "who touched whom first"
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child- sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: a room used by entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mom's reasons for having kids do things, which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerves which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilised in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
HOMEBREAD BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
"JEEEEEEEEZ": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goo kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS: Mom medicine.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of .15 cents.
LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mâché volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. The main element of Mom's favourite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modelling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the chequebook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A State of household serenity, which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honour and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting. SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, fly and even pneumonia.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric, which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of non-specific space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"
VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementoes she can't bear to part with.
"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"
ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.
A Mom's Dictionary Ad_Funnies
Life's_Lessons Little_Ones
Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
And now, the Superstore - unequalled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivalled inconvenience.
A Mom's Dictionary
Ad_Funnies Life's_Lessons
Little_Ones
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.
A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the TV's on the blink.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything.... There are credit cards, money orders, and traveller's checks.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbour's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake
when you make it again.
A Mom's Dictionary Ad_Funnies
Life's_Lessons Little_Ones
Little Ones
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Most Caring Child"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was
asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring
child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbour was
an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing
the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed
onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had
said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing ... I just helped
him cry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Two Nickels and Five Pennies"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When an ice cream sundae cost much less, a boy entered a coffee shop
and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" "Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of
coins in it.
"How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" He inquired. Some people
were now waiting for a table, and the waitress was impatient. "Thirty-five
cents," she said angrily. The little boy again counted the coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream." The waitress brought the ice cream and
walked away. The boy finished, paid the cashier, and departed.
When the waitress came back, she swallowed hard at what she saw.
There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies-her
tip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What It Means to Be Adopted"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a
family. One little boy in the picture had a different colour hair than
the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a
little girl named Jocelynn Jay said, "I know all about adoptions because
I was adopted."
"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child. "It means,"
said Jocelynn, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Discouraged?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving home from work one day, we stopped to watch a local Little
League baseball game that was being played in a park near home. As we sat
down behind the bench on the first-baseline, we asked one of the boys what
the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really?... you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?"
The boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged?
We haven't been up to bat yet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Roles And How We Play Them"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disappointed with your spot in my life? Stop and think about little
Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His
mother said that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he
would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, she went
to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining
with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mum," he shouted, and then said
those words that will remain a lesson to us: "I've been chosen to clap
and cheer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Violent Storm"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with
me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
dear," she said "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken
at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Young Campers"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were
so fierce; the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might
as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."